My mind has been going round and round with so many different thoughts and feelings.
In the scriptures we are told that we are to forgive. To turn the other cheek. And to forgive 70 x 7 and even more. That is a lot of forgiving. I know that it sometimes takes me a while to forgive...depending on the situation. But my big problem is forgetting. And when I don't forget, well some of the people that I am forgiving think that I haven't forgiven.
It seems to be a vicious circle. And in the end I feel like I am the bad one because I can't just forget and move on. But....
When you have been hurt by the same person time and time again, and some of the things that have hurt you are so serious....really serious, well....am I really expected to forget? Am I that bad because I don't? Yes...I have forgotten a lot of the details, but the hurt and distrust is still there. And then to find out that the same thing has been done to another person, well...that makes it even harder. And when it family member..that makes it even harder. And then there are so many other times when the same person has done something to others, or whatever the situation may be...well....when do I finally get a break and not feel like the bad one...is it guilt because I should be forgetting and moving on?
I don't like the word "hate". I don't even let my children use it because it is so strong, and something that you can't take back and it stings so much. Even the person that has hurt me so much, I don't hate....I just don't trust and I can't forget. I only wish that person could try to walk in my shoes some...maybe look at things from my point of view. And maybe admit and be honest about the past. If even that would happen things might, and I say might be better. But isn't a family worth that?
I suppose the other part is ....well.... in a way the family has just swept the situation under the rug for such a long time. Like no one wants to talk or admit that we have problems and what they are and try to work them out. I guess that is the old school way of doing things, but in my own family we are so much more open about things and talking and working out problems...not ignoring them. And it just hurts me to think that some things keep being ignored. True. We can't change the past, but we can all admit to it and even to more recent things and then try to go on...
However, myself included in this....we all think that we are the one that is right, and that no one else has been wronged. And maybe that is where I need to change and open up my heart to the spirit. To let the Lords spirit work inside of me in such a way to be more understanding to those around me.
I know that at times I can be closed and hard. I think because I have been hurt and I don't want to let others inside to hurt me again.
Thank goodness also for a wonderful husband who understands my pain and feelings and is always there for me. To give me advice and help me through my trials.
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On another note...my brother is getting married again, in a few months. I think it is odd that he doesn't want me to know....Why? you ask....Honestly, I'm not really sure....but ....I know...
I don't want to say that I don't care that he is getting married again, but it isn't my business what he does with his life. As long as he feels good about his choices that is all he should care about. But why would you want to keep something so important from family??? Maybe I'm not considered family anymore....
He also deleted my boys and I as friends on facebook...Even with all that we have been through I kept him on my list because I thought is was the last way to keep open communication of some sort between us....I suppose he didn't want it. However he kept Gio on as a friend...funny huh?? So of course, Gio made his choice and stood by his family and deleted my brother from his friend list....and then my brother makes a comment like, "I was hoping that we could still remain friends." What the heck???? I just don't understand it....
Is it one of those things to make us feel guilty again?
Who knows...
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I am trying to make an honest effort to have the Lord be in my life at all times. I know that sometimes I say and do things that I shouldn't. But I am trying to get better. I am praying with more sincerity and desire. I am really trying to "converse" with the Lord and not just talk at him and ask for things, but to pour out my heart and soul to Him. I feel like it is making a difference. Maybe that is why I have some of the thoughts and feelings that I'm having.
I am reading the scriptures with more desire and open mindedness. Trying to apply what I read to my own daily life, and to apply what I am reading to myself. It is hard to do. But the Lord knows my desires. I hope that I am becoming a disciple of Christ, and following in His footsteps. There is still a long road ahead of me, but I am up for the task. With the Lord on my side all things are possible.
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My last thought is on missionary work. Obviously I think about this a great deal because Robert is serving a mission right now. As are a lot of his friends. Living where we do with such a large population of LDS people, we sometimes don't think that we have the chance to be a missionary. But missionary service isn't just going out for 18 months or 2 years. It is something that we can do every day for our whole lives. We just need to look for the opportunities.
I am a visiting teacher...that means I am a missionary. I am a neighbor....that means I am a missionary. I am a mother and a wife...that means I am a missionary. Anywhere that I can plant a seed, set an example, bear my testimony....that makes me a missionary.
I tell Robert in all of the letters that I write to him, that by planting a seed he is being a great missionary. When we make a difference in someones life or set an example or help them to feel the spirit we are being a missionary.
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My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. Because of it I am able to be a wife, mother, example, friend, caregiver, teacher, etc...It makes me who I am. I am grateful for the atonement and knowing that because of Jesus Christ I will have the opportunity to kneel at my Father's feet one day together with my family.
I know that Joseph Smith did see God the Father and Jesus Christ. I have no doubt of this. And that the Book of Mormon was brought to light by the hand of God. Joseph Smith opened this new and everlasting dispensation for us again to have the gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth.
I know we have a prophet today who leads us and lets us know the will of the Lord.
We have temples where families can be sealed together for eternity, but it is up to us to do all that we can to be worthy of those blessings.
The priesthood is restored.
How blessed we are.
I am not ashamed of my beliefs. I stand tall and proud of knowing that I am a child of God...I am His daughter, and through Him all things are possible.
How thankful I am for that knowledge.
3 comments:
I think the scriptures say to forgive --I honestly don't know if they say to forget, though. I truly believe we can forgive but remember. We're not supposed to put ourselves in harm's way in order to forgive, you know? Just because we forgive someone doesn't mean we have to trust them. In fact, that would be careless on our parts --especially if they continue to hurt other people. It's crazy, but I could have written the first part of your post (about forgiveness). I'm constantly battling feelings of anger/annoyance/frustration at how hard it is to forgive someone --but then I realized, it's not that I haven't forgiven this person (if that was the case, then this person would be cut out of my life completely), it's that I just don't trust this person. AT ALL. And I don't think I ever can. History keeps repeating itself (and gets worse every time), and so it's impossible for me to act like nothing is wrong and that everything is hunky-dory. It's not the forgiving that is difficult --it's the moving on. It's the ability to trust. And for some people, I think that's easier than the forgiving because the offending party is no longer in their lives. For me, it's the opposite. This person will always be in my life, and I just have to deal with it.
I'm sorry about your brother. That is REALLY weird that he would assume it's okay to be buddies with your husband and not you. Ummm, eternal companion!? Hello!? Weird.
Mucho love to you! :)
Thank you Cherly...
It is nice to hear someone else's thoughts...
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