At what point does one stop being a parent? When is it time to tell our children to stand on their own two feet and grow up? When do we tell them we aren't going to help them any longer and they are on their own? When do we stop caring about our kids and tell them to go out into the world and find their own way? Does that point ever come?
These are just a few questions that have plagued me over the past few weeks. None of them have to do with me or my children, but with a family I know. A family, that at this point in time, doesn't really seem to be a family anymore. In fact, one of the children in the family made the comment, "I feel abandoned. We are like a clock that is missing an essential part, and now we aren't able to work and keep time". How sad for anyone to feel that way, at any age.
This family has been through some very tough times. Job loss...over and over again, financial instability who knows how many times. They have moved more times than I have fingers, kids with learning disabilities, etc.
I can't even imagine having having all the problems/issues that they have had. I know that not every thing is their fault, however, they have also made some not so wise choices and as we all know there is a consequence to every choice.
There has also been some dishonesty and lying along the way as well, and problems with other family members etc...so it has just not been good.
I am sure that there were times when this family was very happy and they did love one another, but now the parents are divorced and each one is having to find their own way in the world. And it sucks. Really, there is no other way to describe what is happening to them now.
Mom and Dad are now divorced and the kids are in their 20's. Mom found a place for herself to stay, but can't have anyone there with her...and says that she just can't worry about her kids anymore. They are grown and need to take care of themselves....WOW!
Dad says that he needs to be on his own and have his life and that his children are grown and need to find their own way and he can't help them forever...DOUBLE WOW!
The daughter just got a job with a place to stay, but she too has had so much instability, that who knows...honestly.
The son, well, he has nothing. No job, place to stay, or money. And the parent's don't feel that it is there responsibility to help.
Now, I know for a fact that this family has been helped for years by the church and by the father's family. And he is a grown man, and there has been help until just recently. In fact, there are times that the family would have never made it without the help of others. They have actually lived off of others for a long time.
And what kills me is now the parents feel no sense of responsibility to help their children and these kids are worried about being homeless. How sick and wrong is that!
Drama...yes there is a lot of that and I wish that I could help, but I can't...all I can do is pray for each one of them and I do, everyday, and I think about them all the time.
But what it has done is make me think. As a parent what is my responsibility towards my sons. Am I here to help them their whole lives. Do I support them, let them live with me, give them money, pay for an apartment for them, take out loans for them, go into debt for them? Do I charge up my credit cards for them, what? What is expected of me?
I realized that my first responsibility is to love and nurture them. As a small child I am here to feed and cloth them. Teach them and help them to learn and give them the things they need, and yes even the things they want. But not all at one time...somethings you have to wait for...(Like Brian's Wii- he had to wait 2 years and do certain things to earn it.) But I can admit that our boys are spoiled...however...they also understand that they need to do certain things as well.
That is where work ethic and school responsibilities, and home, etc all come into play. We also have the obligation to teach our children how to be productive in society. How to work, to care for themselves, and others. To respect other people, to be honest and have integrity. To not hurt other people and to be accepting. That doesn't mean to agree or condone a certain behavior, but to realize that we are all different and to understand and accept that and not judge.
In our home the rule was with Robert and will be with Brian, as long as we are financially able to do so, get A's in school and maybe a B or two and we will pay your insurance and cell phone. We will not pay gas for you to drive. That is the child's responsibility. Robert got a job with the school district cleaning the school for the summer when he was 15, then he started working for Provo City in the Parks and Rec dept and did that job up until he left on his mission. It wasn't a lot of money, but it paid his gas, fun, etc....And he was still able to do sports, get good grades, and have a life. It will be the same for Brian.
Work and education! Two very important things....
But, if you knew that your kids wouldn't have a place to stay, do you help them or not?
At 20 something, I would say yes....even older, however, yes...after you have done everything that you can do there does come a time when your "child" needs to stand on their own two feet....I think that at almost 50 that is a good time for it to happen.
I don't really think there is a right or wrong answer here...I just know that every day with kids there are new challenges and new problems. The best that we can do is pray and hope for answers. Our children are here on loan from our Father in Heaven. He has given us the responsibility to take care of His precious children for a while. I know that He will never turn His back on us. He will always love us and will forgive us over and over again, just like a parent does...but He too has to let us grow and learn and suffer...but while we are young He tries to lead us and guide us...
I try to follow His parenting manual.
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